On Non-Attachment

Ok, so now Joseph is doing so much better. He's done one of those leaps in development that are very exciting, especially for parents of special-needs kids. His teacher tells me that, at circle time today, Joseph shared excitedly about last night's thunderstorm. In previous circle times she had tried to get him to share, but he'd only answered yes or no in the quietest possible voice. So this was exciting.

But it's not only this one isolated incident. It's his whole beingness -- he's so present and engaged. He's also getting feisty and insisting on what he wants, which is new for us and creates a whole new parental dance.

Now. In yoga there is a huge emphasis on non-attachment -- on being so centered within that no external condition can pull you away from your inner peace.

I used to be pretty good at this. Then I became a mother. Then my kid was diagnosed with autism. Now I find that, especially when things are going really well with Joseph, I get so happy. Like, pulled-out-of-my-center happy.

And I wish it wasn't so. I wish that my connection was more with my inner joy. I wish that this external condition, which will always be fluctuating somehow, was not so strongly affecting my internal environment. I don't like riding the emotional pendulum.

But what a strong practice it is. God is obviously chiseling me according to his perfection, and I get to see where my "lack of perfection" still lies!

And, in my own defense, we parents are obviously given a heaping dose of attachment to our children -- by that same divine force that is chiseling away at my imperfections.

So I am quite content to watch the whole thing closely, and learn by watching, and hold it up in prayer and meditation, and have faith that life is unfolding just as it should.